Bamboo Poles

After waiting eagerly for years, I am finally eligible for the "Silver Fox" programs in our public recreation centers.  I happily signed myself up for all sorts of free, interesting classes.

In the last 25 years of my living in the US, Asians tend to be in the minority wherever I went.  I never thought that a senior recreation center is the place to find them!

In ukulele class, I met Jane -- a cheerful ABC (American Born Chinese).  She speaks very fluent, native-sounding English.  I was astonished when she first greeted me in Cantonese.  "Wow!  What a rare success story!" I exclaimed.  Most of the ABCs I know do not speak any Chinese at all.  In contrast, not only does Jane speak Cantonese, but she also knows Mandarin and she is fluent.  

"I have no choice, "Jane explained,  "My parents do not speak English.  I had to be able to speak Chinese to communicate with them and translate for them.  Plus, that's the only way to learn the culture and stay connected with my people."

Growing up here, Jane considers herself American.  However, her experience tells her that just being born and raised here is not enough.  She pinched her cheek and said, "The moment people see this, they already reject me.  I am the wrong color.  It does not matter what I speak and what I think.  I can never be 'American' enough for them."

"People also call us, the ABCs, 'Bananas' (Yellow on the outside, white on the inside), 'Bamboo poles' (Only have the exterior but hollow inside, and it does not reach through either end), . . .   Anyways, nothing good."

Her signature smile faded.

"Everybody yearns to belong.  Since I already know that no matter what I do, people will never accept me as a fellow American, there is no reason and no way for me to insist.  So, I study Chinese and try to connect with other Chinese people.  I even traveled to China.  The moment I get there, people look at me, listen to me speak, immediately, they embrace me.  They don't mind that I was born and raised overseas.  It is such a good feeling."

I have some Chinese friends who are born and raised in the US.  Some came when they were very young.  Many of them share a certain demeanor -- they have the same nervous laugh.  They often look and act rather uncomfortable about themselves.  In addition, they are zealous about rituals.  They follow traditional practices and celebrate Chinese festivities without missing a beat.  I often tease that they out Chinese me -- someone born and raised in Hong Kong.  

Jane agrees.  "Yeah, people do that.  They have all the formalities covered, but there is no substance.  I guess it is a compensation mechanism.  As an ABC, there is a permanent void in our hearts that is hard to fill.  What can be worse than not having a self identity?" 

She asked me if I had children.  I said no.  "It did not happen to us."  She smiled and nodded.  

An ABC says she cannot find her self identity in America after living here for over 60 years.  Do American born Africans experience the same issues?  Do Amercan born Europeans share the same struggles?

I cannot help wondering what it would mean if I had some Chinese-American mixed children.  What does it mean for the other mixed race Americans out there?  How do they fare in their American life?