Killing Me Softly . . .
I love Aikido. However, going to aikido has not always been fun for me. I love learning the movements and the interactions. I love my teachers and my friends. The most problematic part for me was: Me.
Even at aikido, one can have a good day or a bad day. Sometimes you feel like you sail through the class without missing a beat. Everything is so great! Yet, there are times when nothing seems to click. You cannot see what is being shown, and the instructor's explanation does not seem to make any sense. I used to feel really bad about myself after a frustrating day of aikido. I would tell myself, "I couldn't do one single technique right. I am so terrible at aikido. I will never get it." Sometimes I even wondered if I should continue to go to class . . .
Every once in a while, Sensei called me up for uke. Ukemi is not easy -- particularly when you are a junior student and you have no idea what your instructor is about to do. I have to admit, I often felt terrible after falling like a sac of potatoes when taking ukemi in front of everybody. SPLAT! Everybody saw it. Argh!!! I wished I could dig a hole on the mat and hide in it forever. Even better, maybe I should dig a tunnel, so that I could run away and never come back. I hate going to aikido!
And then, one day, another person took a horrific fall like ten sacs of potatoes in front of class. It was painful to watch. We were all so glad that he survived. I thought to myself "OMG, this is even worse than what I did the other day!" After class, I thought about it some more. "That guy fell so horribly today. He looked really awful. Do I mind practicing with him again? Of course not! Is he still my friend? Most definitely! If it is ok for him to look so bad in front of everybody, and I would not like him any less than before, why is it such a big deal when I take an awkward fall? Shouldn't I enjoy the same rights to fall down like a sac of potatoes as other people??? This is supposed to be an equal opportunity dojo after all!"
That may sound like a silly thought, but it lifted the burdens of "having to look good" off my shoulders. What do I have to defend anyways? I feel so liberated. I have taken many, many awkward falls since that day. Sometimes I look really stupid, but I learn to laugh about it happily as if I were a child again. Going to aikido is a whole lot more fun. My aikido improve quickly because it is much easier to learn without all the baggages on my shoulders.
I was sharing these memories with a student just the other day: I always thought I was not talented in aikido. Yet, I had high expectations and I was very critical of myself. If I really am as "not talented" as I thought I was, shouldn't I be treated more leniently and be allowed more time to learn? If I were so "not talented", wouldn't it be reasonable for me to have difficulties in class once in a while? Even more senior students fall like a sac of potatoes once in a long while. Isn't it just normal for me to fall like a sac of potatoes once in a short while? My old thinking was not even logical!
As Larry Levitt Sensei says, "Examination without Judgement". Take notes of what you need to work on and do your best. This is the most anybody -- including yourself -- can ask of you.
Aikido is about learning compassion. Be kind. To start, be kind to yourself.
Even at aikido, one can have a good day or a bad day. Sometimes you feel like you sail through the class without missing a beat. Everything is so great! Yet, there are times when nothing seems to click. You cannot see what is being shown, and the instructor's explanation does not seem to make any sense. I used to feel really bad about myself after a frustrating day of aikido. I would tell myself, "I couldn't do one single technique right. I am so terrible at aikido. I will never get it." Sometimes I even wondered if I should continue to go to class . . .
Every once in a while, Sensei called me up for uke. Ukemi is not easy -- particularly when you are a junior student and you have no idea what your instructor is about to do. I have to admit, I often felt terrible after falling like a sac of potatoes when taking ukemi in front of everybody. SPLAT! Everybody saw it. Argh!!! I wished I could dig a hole on the mat and hide in it forever. Even better, maybe I should dig a tunnel, so that I could run away and never come back. I hate going to aikido!
And then, one day, another person took a horrific fall like ten sacs of potatoes in front of class. It was painful to watch. We were all so glad that he survived. I thought to myself "OMG, this is even worse than what I did the other day!" After class, I thought about it some more. "That guy fell so horribly today. He looked really awful. Do I mind practicing with him again? Of course not! Is he still my friend? Most definitely! If it is ok for him to look so bad in front of everybody, and I would not like him any less than before, why is it such a big deal when I take an awkward fall? Shouldn't I enjoy the same rights to fall down like a sac of potatoes as other people??? This is supposed to be an equal opportunity dojo after all!"
That may sound like a silly thought, but it lifted the burdens of "having to look good" off my shoulders. What do I have to defend anyways? I feel so liberated. I have taken many, many awkward falls since that day. Sometimes I look really stupid, but I learn to laugh about it happily as if I were a child again. Going to aikido is a whole lot more fun. My aikido improve quickly because it is much easier to learn without all the baggages on my shoulders.
I was sharing these memories with a student just the other day: I always thought I was not talented in aikido. Yet, I had high expectations and I was very critical of myself. If I really am as "not talented" as I thought I was, shouldn't I be treated more leniently and be allowed more time to learn? If I were so "not talented", wouldn't it be reasonable for me to have difficulties in class once in a while? Even more senior students fall like a sac of potatoes once in a long while. Isn't it just normal for me to fall like a sac of potatoes once in a short while? My old thinking was not even logical!
As Larry Levitt Sensei says, "Examination without Judgement". Take notes of what you need to work on and do your best. This is the most anybody -- including yourself -- can ask of you.
Aikido is about learning compassion. Be kind. To start, be kind to yourself.
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