Presumed Heartlessness
A friend who has adopted grandkids from Asia handed me the book "The Lost Daughters of China" to read. She thought it was a great book. It was written by a female journalist who adopted from China. The book is a combination of her story as well as information for people who are pondering to adopt from China.
I read most of the book, but really cannot finish. Honestly, I find the book repugnant. In the story part, the author had long monologues about how much she loves her future adopted daughter. The lengthy description of her anguish and distress for this child who she had never met . . . because the child had not even been located was perplexing. She even talks about building a shrine for this unidentified child that she claims to love tremendously. I find the author's romanticized ideas about her daughter-to-be disturbing. To me, she was not in love with a child. She was obsessed with a notion. It has nothing to do with another real person. It is all about her.
In the book, she also made accusations that these Chinese parents, particularly the mothers, are cruel and heartless to abandon their children at birth. I don't know if she has met any of the birth parents of these children to be adopted and talk to them. While it may be true that some people gave up a girl in order to try again for a boy under the One-Child Policy in China, I have trouble believing that all the girls were given up for this same exact reason. Everybody has their own circumstances. Even if you have talked to one family, you don't know what is behind the scenes for another. It is unfair for her to judge the parents of children up for adoption and cast them all to be cold, heartless beings.
I feel very strongly about the subject because I do not have to look far to find an example to demonstrate how wrong the author's presumptions can be.
My maternal grandfather died very young. With him gone, my grandmother who had two young daughters could not even stay in her home or farm her land because females had no inheritance rights then. To survive, she remarried. The new husband's family would not allow her to bring her daughters from her first marriage. To help everybody survive, Grandma decided to give her oldest daughter, my mom, to a childless couple and sent the younger daughter to an orphanage. As my mom recounts, "Grandma told me people may give me a new name. So, she made me memorize my name and her name because she said we would find each other again no matter what." Those were the words of a mother who gave away her daughters so they would live.
My mom lives, but life continued to be hard. Because her situation was so dire, my mother had a couple of abortions. When she could not even feed herself, there was no way she could support another child. I remember she told me she weighed 79 lbs when she was carrying my brother.
When I came along, arrangements were made for a childless couple to come get me. My father glanced at me as he was about to hand me over. I was sucking on my fists and staring at him intently, according to him. He said that the look in my eyes made it impossible for him to give me up. So, he retracted his arms and told the couple to leave. My mom was not there because she could not bear with watching someone take me way.
When I told some friends this story, they got really upset and were shocked that my parents would even tell me about it. "Aren't you angry with them?" they asked. No, I was not, and have never been. I know it was nothing personal. It is not like they hate me or something. They did not even know me. I was only an infant. To the contrary, I see it as a heartbreaking act of love that my parents were trying to do for me. Particularly my mom, who lived under others' roof since the age of seven, knows first hand what it is like to be a child given away. My parents were struggling terribly under the circumstances they were in. They thought, maybe, another family without children may take care of me better. I would have better opportunities. The childless couple will have me, and I will have a good home. I may or may not find out about this, but they will always know inside they give up their child. For certain, they will have to bear this burden in their hearts forever. They will always carry in their mind the questions of "Where is my daughter? What is she doing now? What does she look like? Does her family love her? Is she well?'
My mom says the only thing she knows about that adopting couple is that they were vegetable vendors in the market. Had my father given me to them, she says, she would stop at every veggie stand for the rest of her life to check out every girl my age and see if that could be me. She feels so grateful that she does not have to, because I am still here.
"Please forgive me. I really felt we had no choice. I didn't want you to die with me," my mom once said to me with tears in her eyes. These are the words of a mother who was once given away as a child, and then had abortions, and almost gave her child up for adoption.
Was my grandmother cruel? Is my mom heartless? Instead of accusing people of being cruel and heartless, maybe one should ask if the society, government policies and our social norms are cruel and unreasonable so that people have to resort to such extreme measures so as to just live.
I read most of the book, but really cannot finish. Honestly, I find the book repugnant. In the story part, the author had long monologues about how much she loves her future adopted daughter. The lengthy description of her anguish and distress for this child who she had never met . . . because the child had not even been located was perplexing. She even talks about building a shrine for this unidentified child that she claims to love tremendously. I find the author's romanticized ideas about her daughter-to-be disturbing. To me, she was not in love with a child. She was obsessed with a notion. It has nothing to do with another real person. It is all about her.
In the book, she also made accusations that these Chinese parents, particularly the mothers, are cruel and heartless to abandon their children at birth. I don't know if she has met any of the birth parents of these children to be adopted and talk to them. While it may be true that some people gave up a girl in order to try again for a boy under the One-Child Policy in China, I have trouble believing that all the girls were given up for this same exact reason. Everybody has their own circumstances. Even if you have talked to one family, you don't know what is behind the scenes for another. It is unfair for her to judge the parents of children up for adoption and cast them all to be cold, heartless beings.
I feel very strongly about the subject because I do not have to look far to find an example to demonstrate how wrong the author's presumptions can be.
My maternal grandfather died very young. With him gone, my grandmother who had two young daughters could not even stay in her home or farm her land because females had no inheritance rights then. To survive, she remarried. The new husband's family would not allow her to bring her daughters from her first marriage. To help everybody survive, Grandma decided to give her oldest daughter, my mom, to a childless couple and sent the younger daughter to an orphanage. As my mom recounts, "Grandma told me people may give me a new name. So, she made me memorize my name and her name because she said we would find each other again no matter what." Those were the words of a mother who gave away her daughters so they would live.
My mom lives, but life continued to be hard. Because her situation was so dire, my mother had a couple of abortions. When she could not even feed herself, there was no way she could support another child. I remember she told me she weighed 79 lbs when she was carrying my brother.
When I came along, arrangements were made for a childless couple to come get me. My father glanced at me as he was about to hand me over. I was sucking on my fists and staring at him intently, according to him. He said that the look in my eyes made it impossible for him to give me up. So, he retracted his arms and told the couple to leave. My mom was not there because she could not bear with watching someone take me way.
When I told some friends this story, they got really upset and were shocked that my parents would even tell me about it. "Aren't you angry with them?" they asked. No, I was not, and have never been. I know it was nothing personal. It is not like they hate me or something. They did not even know me. I was only an infant. To the contrary, I see it as a heartbreaking act of love that my parents were trying to do for me. Particularly my mom, who lived under others' roof since the age of seven, knows first hand what it is like to be a child given away. My parents were struggling terribly under the circumstances they were in. They thought, maybe, another family without children may take care of me better. I would have better opportunities. The childless couple will have me, and I will have a good home. I may or may not find out about this, but they will always know inside they give up their child. For certain, they will have to bear this burden in their hearts forever. They will always carry in their mind the questions of "Where is my daughter? What is she doing now? What does she look like? Does her family love her? Is she well?'
My mom says the only thing she knows about that adopting couple is that they were vegetable vendors in the market. Had my father given me to them, she says, she would stop at every veggie stand for the rest of her life to check out every girl my age and see if that could be me. She feels so grateful that she does not have to, because I am still here.
"Please forgive me. I really felt we had no choice. I didn't want you to die with me," my mom once said to me with tears in her eyes. These are the words of a mother who was once given away as a child, and then had abortions, and almost gave her child up for adoption.
Was my grandmother cruel? Is my mom heartless? Instead of accusing people of being cruel and heartless, maybe one should ask if the society, government policies and our social norms are cruel and unreasonable so that people have to resort to such extreme measures so as to just live.
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