The Better Way
X and Y have been good friends for us for decades. Our friendship dates back to when the two couples would go on double dates "a very long time ago", as their daughter once put it. In a 17-year-old's mind, that probably was about the same time when dinosaurs roamed the earth . . .
This time, we are all going to an "adult restaurant" to celebrate the daughter's birthday. With the two kids, we no longer all fit in one car. So, we decide to have a girls' car and a boys' car. X, the wife, is the speaker of the house. Not only has she picked out the restaurant, she also has decided the route to take.
"That is a complicated route! We have to go on the highway and there are many turns and traffic lights . . ." Y begins thinking out loud, but it is, promptly, cut short by his wife. "This is the most efficient route with the shortest distance! Why do you want to burn more gas? It is the best route. Trust me. Just follow our car." Y shrugs his shoulders with resignation and gets into the car with his son and Mike. X hops into her car with her daughter and me.
Within two minutes, we lose the boys who are supposed to be following us.
"Where have they gone? Argh! I told you! My husband never listens to me," X exclaims. I turn to look at the daughter: She squeezes out a stiff smile without saying a word. "He is a capable adult. I am certain he will find his way there." I wink at the daughter. "He is going to take all these back roads which takes longer. I am showing him the better way, but he would never listen." The speaker of the house is not having it.
"Better? What do you mean by better? How do you decide that?" I ask. "How is it better? In every single way! It's shorter, and it is faster. Why would anybody want to drive an extra mile? But he always likes to use the back roads . . . " She is still cooking inside. "Is it true? I wonder why. Have you ever ask him why? There must be a reason." I try pushing a little.
"The roads by the hillside have more trees and slower traffic. He likes it. Let me tell you: there are fewer cars probably because it is just not a good route." That is her conclusion.
"What if he just wants a low-stress ride? It is after hours. Speed is not a concern to him. The guys can enjoy a leisurely chat. That doesn't sound so bad to me." "But that is a slow route. We will have to wait for them . . ." X is really insistent.
"You make your assessment based on efficiency, correct?" "Absolutely! Why waste time and gas?" she says rightfully. "What if your husband has a different set of criteria? Is it possible? And is it acceptable that he wants something different?"
"What do you mean? I think it is pretty straight forward . . ." My friend seems perplexed.
"Let me put it this way: If the criteria for judging a route is efficiency, yeah, your route is the absolute best. Hands down. However, for someone who is not in a hurry and would like to have a more relaxed time on a scenic route, Y's route is a much better choice. Different people have different goals and preferences. Can you accept others may think differently than yourself?" I turn slowly to look at my friend. She does not seem pleased by my suggestion.
"But why? You know, I plan carefully before I do everything. How can this not be the absolute best option? I think people who choose to go any other way are just stupid." The eyebrows and lips of the birthday girl in the back seat are all squeezed together . . .
"Do you think your husband is stupid?" I am betting on the strength of our long time friendship. There is an awkward silence for a few seconds before my friend bursts out laughing, "No, he is not stupid. He is just stubborn." "Oh, is that what it is? You know what? I have the feeling that he is not alone." I chuckle along.
We get out of the car. The birthday girl comes around to give me a hug. We have a nice dinner, blow some candles and a really good visit.
"That is a complicated route! We have to go on the highway and there are many turns and traffic lights . . ." Y begins thinking out loud, but it is, promptly, cut short by his wife. "This is the most efficient route with the shortest distance! Why do you want to burn more gas? It is the best route. Trust me. Just follow our car." Y shrugs his shoulders with resignation and gets into the car with his son and Mike. X hops into her car with her daughter and me.
Within two minutes, we lose the boys who are supposed to be following us.
"Where have they gone? Argh! I told you! My husband never listens to me," X exclaims. I turn to look at the daughter: She squeezes out a stiff smile without saying a word. "He is a capable adult. I am certain he will find his way there." I wink at the daughter. "He is going to take all these back roads which takes longer. I am showing him the better way, but he would never listen." The speaker of the house is not having it.
"Better? What do you mean by better? How do you decide that?" I ask. "How is it better? In every single way! It's shorter, and it is faster. Why would anybody want to drive an extra mile? But he always likes to use the back roads . . . " She is still cooking inside. "Is it true? I wonder why. Have you ever ask him why? There must be a reason." I try pushing a little.
"The roads by the hillside have more trees and slower traffic. He likes it. Let me tell you: there are fewer cars probably because it is just not a good route." That is her conclusion.
"What if he just wants a low-stress ride? It is after hours. Speed is not a concern to him. The guys can enjoy a leisurely chat. That doesn't sound so bad to me." "But that is a slow route. We will have to wait for them . . ." X is really insistent.
"You make your assessment based on efficiency, correct?" "Absolutely! Why waste time and gas?" she says rightfully. "What if your husband has a different set of criteria? Is it possible? And is it acceptable that he wants something different?"
"What do you mean? I think it is pretty straight forward . . ." My friend seems perplexed.
"Let me put it this way: If the criteria for judging a route is efficiency, yeah, your route is the absolute best. Hands down. However, for someone who is not in a hurry and would like to have a more relaxed time on a scenic route, Y's route is a much better choice. Different people have different goals and preferences. Can you accept others may think differently than yourself?" I turn slowly to look at my friend. She does not seem pleased by my suggestion.
"But why? You know, I plan carefully before I do everything. How can this not be the absolute best option? I think people who choose to go any other way are just stupid." The eyebrows and lips of the birthday girl in the back seat are all squeezed together . . .
"Do you think your husband is stupid?" I am betting on the strength of our long time friendship. There is an awkward silence for a few seconds before my friend bursts out laughing, "No, he is not stupid. He is just stubborn." "Oh, is that what it is? You know what? I have the feeling that he is not alone." I chuckle along.
We get out of the car. The birthday girl comes around to give me a hug. We have a nice dinner, blow some candles and a really good visit.
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