I Don't Know How To Love Him
Among my four older siblings, my least favorite, when I was little, was my brother, Kong. He is about two and a half years older than me. I guess our proximity in age did not offer him enough security as a "Big Brother". Kong would do everything he could to demonstrate his dominance over me. Unfortunately, with a tough little sister like me, the harder he tried, the less respect he received. Looking back, it must have been hard being him.
Kong and I fought a lot -- both verbally and physically. We had a love-hate relationship. On one hand, we argued almost about everything. Despite the almost guaranteed unhappy ending, however, we continued to try engaging each other to play. It was as if something inside of us were wishing for a different outcome somehow.
My brother did not only have problems with me. Even our older siblings were not fond of him. He got pushed around a lot. "How is he going to survive this? Nobody loves him!" Mama used to fret.
So, what did our mom do to "foster better sibling relationships"? If we were caught in a fight, no matter who is the instigator, all parties involved got disciplined. Needless to say, to me, it was always Kong's fault. This policy did not breed one single extra drop of love in me for him.
Another thing Mama would do was to withhold affection from anybody who was mean to other siblings. "If you don't love him, I don't love you. You want me to love you? Be nice to your brother first." It was really hard for me, but I learnt to cope. In front of our mom, I pretended to be cordial with Kong. Go through the motions. Whatever it takes. Affection from Mama was important to me. I was willing to fake it for Kong once in a while to earn some brownie points.
Maybe there is some wisdom in "Fake it till you make it": With time, I got used to the routine. It was not as hard to accommodate my brother, though I still didn't like him. Now that we are grown, we both have changed a lot. I learn to appreciate my brother much better. I think we have a pretty good, loving relationship. I feel so lucky to have a brother like him.
But not all families are like that.
I once had dinner at someone's house. Their two young kids were constantly bickering at the dinner table. The parents acted as if they did not hear it. At one point, the son flipped the food in a dish with his chopsticks to get to a piece that he liked. The mother let out a warning in a cold, stern voice, "Who was the rude person that picked through the dish in front of guests?" "It was my brother, not me!" the five-year-old daughter announced out loud. I was astonished. What was even more astonishing was her parents' response: "Geez! Look at her. She is so smart! She always instantly makes sure she is cleared. Hahaha!" The little boy's head hung really low. His face was all red. He looked totally defeated.
Being caught is one thing, while being outed is another. This felt like he was totally ostracized. It must hurt.
I thought to myself, "If I had kids, I probably would rather they cover and lie for each other, than to have them turn each other in so readily. At least I know that they love and care about each other." It bothers me to see siblings who cannot wait to get each other in trouble.
Another time, two young brothers were playing near each other. The toddler reached for some elastic strap hanging off something and started pulling like a toddler would. Unexpectedly, the other end of the strap was not secured. It went flying and hit him on his face. It hurt and the baby was startled, so he started crying.
The big brother who was three witnessed the whole thing. It looked just like one of those Tom and Jerry slapstick skits on TV. He started laughing out loud. That was when his parent slapped him on the face and started yelling at him. The kid was stunned. He braced his red, hot cheek with his little hand. His eyes were filled with confusion and fear. I have the feeling that he really did not understand why he was hit. "It was funny. What did I do wrong?"
I was overwhelmed by the series of events and became speechless myself. In hind sight, I wish I were calmer and was able to help handle the situation differently.
I understand that the parents were very upset that the older kid seemed to take pleasure in the ill fate of the little brother and laughed so happily. Like my mother, they want to see their boys being loving and caring for each other. I understand. Yet, from experience, I also feel that, their action will more likely help build resentment in the older kid against the younger one because "It is all because of YOU!"
What could we have done differently? Maybe we can explain to the older boy what the incident actually meant for his little brother and coach him to go over to show some sympathy? Teach him to ask his brother if it still hurt? Tell him to give his brother a hug and give the boo-boo a kiss? It may not take away the pain and shock for the little one, but for the older child, it could have been a valuable lesson in learning and practicing how to be a caring and loving brother that we want to see him become.
As people, we tend to take so many things for granted as if good things happen naturally. I have come to learn that, even if you love someone inside your heart, expressing your feelings effectively is not an easy feat. It takes skills -- often times, learnt skills. Everybody is different, and we need to have many different skills so that we can connect with different people so that the world can be a better place. 💖
Kong and I fought a lot -- both verbally and physically. We had a love-hate relationship. On one hand, we argued almost about everything. Despite the almost guaranteed unhappy ending, however, we continued to try engaging each other to play. It was as if something inside of us were wishing for a different outcome somehow.
My brother did not only have problems with me. Even our older siblings were not fond of him. He got pushed around a lot. "How is he going to survive this? Nobody loves him!" Mama used to fret.
So, what did our mom do to "foster better sibling relationships"? If we were caught in a fight, no matter who is the instigator, all parties involved got disciplined. Needless to say, to me, it was always Kong's fault. This policy did not breed one single extra drop of love in me for him.
Another thing Mama would do was to withhold affection from anybody who was mean to other siblings. "If you don't love him, I don't love you. You want me to love you? Be nice to your brother first." It was really hard for me, but I learnt to cope. In front of our mom, I pretended to be cordial with Kong. Go through the motions. Whatever it takes. Affection from Mama was important to me. I was willing to fake it for Kong once in a while to earn some brownie points.
Maybe there is some wisdom in "Fake it till you make it": With time, I got used to the routine. It was not as hard to accommodate my brother, though I still didn't like him. Now that we are grown, we both have changed a lot. I learn to appreciate my brother much better. I think we have a pretty good, loving relationship. I feel so lucky to have a brother like him.
But not all families are like that.
I once had dinner at someone's house. Their two young kids were constantly bickering at the dinner table. The parents acted as if they did not hear it. At one point, the son flipped the food in a dish with his chopsticks to get to a piece that he liked. The mother let out a warning in a cold, stern voice, "Who was the rude person that picked through the dish in front of guests?" "It was my brother, not me!" the five-year-old daughter announced out loud. I was astonished. What was even more astonishing was her parents' response: "Geez! Look at her. She is so smart! She always instantly makes sure she is cleared. Hahaha!" The little boy's head hung really low. His face was all red. He looked totally defeated.
Being caught is one thing, while being outed is another. This felt like he was totally ostracized. It must hurt.
I thought to myself, "If I had kids, I probably would rather they cover and lie for each other, than to have them turn each other in so readily. At least I know that they love and care about each other." It bothers me to see siblings who cannot wait to get each other in trouble.
Another time, two young brothers were playing near each other. The toddler reached for some elastic strap hanging off something and started pulling like a toddler would. Unexpectedly, the other end of the strap was not secured. It went flying and hit him on his face. It hurt and the baby was startled, so he started crying.
The big brother who was three witnessed the whole thing. It looked just like one of those Tom and Jerry slapstick skits on TV. He started laughing out loud. That was when his parent slapped him on the face and started yelling at him. The kid was stunned. He braced his red, hot cheek with his little hand. His eyes were filled with confusion and fear. I have the feeling that he really did not understand why he was hit. "It was funny. What did I do wrong?"
I was overwhelmed by the series of events and became speechless myself. In hind sight, I wish I were calmer and was able to help handle the situation differently.
I understand that the parents were very upset that the older kid seemed to take pleasure in the ill fate of the little brother and laughed so happily. Like my mother, they want to see their boys being loving and caring for each other. I understand. Yet, from experience, I also feel that, their action will more likely help build resentment in the older kid against the younger one because "It is all because of YOU!"
What could we have done differently? Maybe we can explain to the older boy what the incident actually meant for his little brother and coach him to go over to show some sympathy? Teach him to ask his brother if it still hurt? Tell him to give his brother a hug and give the boo-boo a kiss? It may not take away the pain and shock for the little one, but for the older child, it could have been a valuable lesson in learning and practicing how to be a caring and loving brother that we want to see him become.
As people, we tend to take so many things for granted as if good things happen naturally. I have come to learn that, even if you love someone inside your heart, expressing your feelings effectively is not an easy feat. It takes skills -- often times, learnt skills. Everybody is different, and we need to have many different skills so that we can connect with different people so that the world can be a better place. 💖
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