Superior Inferiority

"I have moved and I've kept on moving -- proved the points that I needed proving.  Lost the friends that I needed losing -- found others on the way."  -- Caledonia by Dougie MacLean

Drifting away from old fiends because of time and distance is one thing.  Actively choosing to stop being friends with someone?  This is really my first.

My former friend is from Taiwan.  Between us, we speak Mandarin because her English is not good, and she does not speak much Cantonese, even though she lived in Hong Kong before.  My self-taught Mandarin is not great, but we can understand each other most of the times.  However awkward and tiring, I am willing to adjust to my friend.  

Things seemed to be fine until one day when we had a serious disagreement.  

I tried to make my point from different angles, but my Mandarin was not sufficient for saying everything I wanted to say.  I tried supplementing it with English terms.  

"You know my English is not good, and so you try to humiliate me by throwing English at me?!"

Okay.  How about Cantonese?  Maybe we can try just a few words in Cantonese?

"I am from Taiwan.  We speak Mandarin -- the national language.  You want to talk to me?  Talk to me in Mandarin!  I don't speak Cantonese.  You can't even handle the national language?  What kind of Chinese are you?"

This was not the first time my Chinese-ness is being questioned by her -- or her family members.  Many times before, they criticized me for knowing certain things better in English than in Chinese.  "Are you Chinese?  What kind of education did you get?  You can't manage your own language?  Is that what Hong Kong people are about?"  Well, I grew up in colonial Hong Kong.  My education was mostly in English since 7th grade.  Why do you think I know my stuff better in English?  

I never argued with them.  I just let it go.  Everybody is a product of their circumstances.  If they cannot understand it, any attempt to argue with them is futile.  

But this is too much -- set aside whether you agree with my argument, she is being too inconsiderate and too unfair.  All this time, I have been a good friend who supports and accommodates you.  To your eyes, nevertheless, I am just an "inferior Chinese"?  Really??

At one occasion, this story came up while we were talking to an African friend who does research on China,  I jokingly said, " I bet there must be some kind of hierarchy among black people as well, like which Africans are better Africans than others.  No?"  Timidly, he nodded his head with a smile filled with embarrassment.  

Like a psychologist once explained on my favorite NPR radio show "Hidden Brain", people are not very different from chickens.  They like pecking order and want to know where they stand.  More importantly, even if they are not high up in the pecking order, they need to make sure there is someone underneath them.

Peoples of color have been fighting for equality for a long time.  We protest against racial discrimination and unfair treatments.  Yet, there continues to be infighting among ourselves.  We think discrimination is wrong.  Then, why do we do it to each other?  If we cannot even treat our own people properly, how do you convince the world that we deserve respect and equality?  

Can we learn to embrace each other, be kind and be supportive for each other?  Can we please try?