The 15th Stone

Our friends' daughter just recently got into medical school.  We used to go on double dates with them and remain friends over the years.  The child is like a niece to me.

"I'm concerned about her, you know," the mom says.  As always, she starts listing the endless shortcomings of her child.  "Plus, she is too passively and overly quiet.  People are going to walk all over her.  Given her personality, I don't even understand why she wants to get into such a competitive field."

"Indeed, she is not an aggressive type and is quite willing to listen while others speak.  I actually find this a sign of being confident and respectful."  I feel the need to defend my favorite kid and to set the record straight.  "When I am with her, she can be quite talkative.  While she is not argumentative, if she has a different opinion, she does not hesitate to make herself heard.  She is a very intelligent and level-headed person.  I am sure that she made an educated choice in getting into medicine."

The mom seems surprised.  "Really?  You don't think she is too timid and withdrawn?"  "In front of me?  Definitely not.  But I don't know what she is like in school because I was not there with her.  Nor can I say about work, because I am not her workmate.  She seems to do very well in her summer jobs and part time work, and people like her.  If she is so ill-suited for becoming a doctor, do you think the university would have accepted her?"  

The mom becomes quiet.

************

We became friends with another couple.  The wife is obviously the speaker of the house.  

"Oh, my hubby is a man of very few words.  He is not sociable like me." she says.

While she went to finish cooking for the evening, we were chatting and joking away with the husband.  He happily told us stories and jokes of all sorts.  So much for a man of few words!  

As the wife returned, all of a sudden, the genie slipped back into the bottle.  The hubby ate dinner quietly, listening to us talk with his wife.  Occasionally, he would chime in with a brief comment or two.  And then, back to the food he went. 

Indeed, he is a man of few words -- in his wife's presence.  

*************

Many years ago, my in-laws came to visit.  Given the rare occasion, we thought we would spend the time on visiting with them, taking them for sightseeing, rather than doing our usual things at home.  There is so much to do and so many different ethnic cuisines to eat in DC area.  Would't it be fun to take them to try different things every day during their stay?

After a few days with us, Mom finally asked me, "What do you do at home usually?  You hardly do any housework, and you don't even cook.  You eat out at fancy restaurants all the time!  What kind of wife are you?"

I am not sure what kind of wife I was.  Maybe the speechless kind?

************

Before I came to live here, I vowed to go to see my parents in Hong Kong at least once every other year.  I went every year until I was going through a very rough period of time.  I did not go for three years when I was sorting my life out.

One day, I found an email from my sister in my inbox.

According to her message, I was a terrible daughter who did not care about my parents because I did not even bother to go see them.  Once I left home, I did not fulfill my responsibilities as a daughter.  I was a horrible, selfish person.

I re-read her message again and and again.  After allowing myself several days to cool down, I gave my sister a call.

"I got your email.  What made you write such a message to me?"

"What message?"

"The message saying that I was a lousy daughter."

"Oh, that!  I already forgot about it."

"Really?  Out of the blue, you drop a bomb on someone's lap, accusing them of being a bad person.  After you get it off your chest, you return to your life comfortably as if nothing happened.  How convenient!"

"But ain't I right?  You have not gone home for a long time." 

"Yeah, on that part, you are right.  Why don't you ask me my reason for not going?  Do you know what has been going on in my life?"

"I don't know.  How do I know?  You have not said anything."

"Am I supposed to tell you absolutely everything?  Do you reveal to anybody absolutely everything about your life?  So, you don't know.  But, you act as if you do and then judge based on your information -- or lack of information.  Is this a fair way of treating people?"

"Oh . . . "

************

Life is very much like the zen garden at Ryoanji temple in Kyoto, Japan.  

This magnificent garden is designed in such a way that, from any one point of the viewing platform, a seated visiter can only see 14 of the 15 stones.  

Everybody has their own life and their story.  They don't have to tell you everything about themselves.  Don't be so quick to make broad generalizations or to judge.  Even with people you think you are so close to, at the end, remember: you are only seeing 14 stones. 

Credit: Travelcaffeine.com