Tenkan

One evening, L came to class looking all troubled. 

"You okay?  What's going on?" I asked.

"Things are not going well in school.," said L, who just quit his job to go back to school for a specialized degree.  "I had a big argument with a professor."  He went on to describe how the professor was being unreasonable and how he challenged her.  

"Hmm.  Obviously, I was not there and I don't know all the details.  However, if I remember correctly, you have had incidents with your work supervisors in the past.  The facts were different, but the dynamics were quite similar . . . " L looked a little puzzled.

"These are very different people in different positions, and they don't know each other.  But then, you end up with similar issues with all of them.  Do you think, somehow, they happen to be all equally unreasonable in the exact same way, or could it be something else?"  As usual, I threw a question at L, hoping that he would figure it out himself.

"What do you mean by something else?" I could not help noticing the chagrin on L's face.

"What is the common thread among all these incidents?" I hinted.

After pondering for a moment, L muttered, "Me?"  He looked perplexed.  "But how can it be me?"

L is a bright, capable young man.  He is quite aware of his abilities, and is not shy in expressing his opinions -- maybe, at times, a little overly not shy. 

"Let's set aside for now your side of the story.  Instead, let's spend a moment to think about what it might be like for your professor."  L was open to the exercise.

"This is a rather narrow field that does not lead to money or fame, but your professor has dedicated herself to passing the torch down to the few students, like you.  How many decades has she been in the field?  How many weeks has it been since you entered the program?  She is a minority woman and you are a white boy.  You have not even spent enough time together to build a rapport yet.  For you, a newbie, to walk in and immediately challenge her on everything, including her authority, how do you think she feels?  Even if you have a point, do you think she would be receptive to your opinions?" 

Seemingly, L slid into some deep thoughts.  He was very quiet for a long while.

"I offended her!"  L is a good person at heart.  Once he realized what he had done, he really wanted to make things right.  "OMG.  What do I do now?"

"To begin with, she earned her qualifications through years of hard work.  She deserves your respect.  Stop calling her by her first name.  Address her properly by Dr or Professor.  Go and apologize to her sincerely.  Ask her politely for advice on how to proceed so that you can work well together.  Listen, take notes and follow through."

"That's it?" L looked astonished.

"Try that for a start."  I assured him.

A couple weeks later, I asked L again about how he was doing in school.  "Everything is great!  My professor and I, we get along so well now.  I really like her and she is very nice to me."

L once told me he did not understand what people meant by "white privilege".  He did not think he ever enjoyed any privilege because of his skin color.  Hmm.  Maybe that is why he always only irimi and never learned tenkan.