It

In an essay, Endo Sensei says:

"The mind craves the form, but the form strengthens the mind."

It felt like the stick of a Zen master on my head.  What an Aikido journey is about, in just a few words, Endo Sensei nailed it.

My teachers say to me, "You are thinking too much."  Well, my teachers, how can I not?  I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know how to stand without being shaky.  Why do I suddenly feel like I have too many hands to deal with?  And what did you show just now???

"Try to feel it," my teachers say.  I try to feel the best I can, but, to be honest, I don't know what you mean by "it", Sensei.  Where is "it"?  How am I supposed to feel "it", really?

"Dozo.  Try it." my teachers say casually after their demo.  I have no idea if I am doing what you are doing, Sensei.   You make it seem so easy.  Why does everything seem so different when it is my turn to do it?  What am I doing wrong?  

"Don't lose your hanmi.  Keep your center."  Did I lose my alignment again, Sensei?  I think I 'd better look around to check, and check some more.  But, how come the more I look around, the shakier I feel?  Where am I supposed to look at?  Am I looking wrong, too?

You always tell me not to be afraid.  But someone is coming to hit me.  How can I not be afraid??  If I could, I would.  I just can't help it.  What do I do now, Sensei?

From a beginner, I have become a senior student.  I can now testify that my teachers' words are true.   It is actually possible for one to go from not knowing how to stand to not being afraid.

I have come to understand that, due to my self-doubt and constant questioning, my movements were tentative and hesitant.  The structure I put up crumbled down like a house of cards.  That was why nothing worked.  

I also realize that sometimes things may seem scary, but they are not at all.  It was all in my head.  If you dwell on it, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Something potentially scary may happen because you allow it to materialize.  It does not have to be so.

Now, as an instructor myself, I wish so much I could transfer what I have learnt to our students like applying an instant tattoo.  Unfortunately, life is never so easy.

An inquisitive mind can be a great thing to have for mental exercises.  However, for Aikido practice, an open mind, faith in your instructors, and "time in" as Takeguchi Sensei puts it, are your best friends.

Aikido and life.  How different are they anyways?  Gambatte yo.