I Am Just A Woman

Aikido dojo is supposed to be a sanctuary where we purify our minds and seek personal growth.  As much as we try not to bring issues in our lives with us onto the mat, it is easier said than done.  Having practiced Aikido for over thirty years, it really does not take much for me to tell who has had a good day and who has been having a bad day.  

This evening, a woman student happened to have paired up twice in a row with male students who had had a bad day.  She is a sensitive type.  How can she miss the passive aggressiveness exuding from these frustrated men?  Instinctively, she adjusted to accommodate them.  It started with scaling back her attack as uke.  Then, she went overly easy on her partners by falling down herself even though their techniques were not all that compelling or precise.  When it was her turn to be nage, she compromised her composure so much so that her partners did not have to do much of anything in response. 

Truth be told, the woman student herself had a long, rough day, too.  Yet, she resigned to accommodating the men by shrinking -- to the extent that she was contorted and stuck.  I had been watching the progression all along.  At this point, I decided that I had to intervene.

As much as we like to think that the Aikido mat is a unisexual space, the notion of what is gender-appropriate behavior is pervasive and it is entrenched in people's minds.  One may blame the men on the mat for their aggressive behavior and for pushing the woman around.  However, I also ask why the woman chooses to present herself as a pushover.  To my eyes, she pushed herself even harder than her male partners did.  Why did she do that to herself?

As the woman student later admitted, she has the same issue off the mat.  It is a learnt behavior: To survive as a woman, it is important to act nice and agreeable.  Learn to read between the lines and act accordingly.  Do not make people feel threatened.  

I understand.  I am a woman, too.  This is the way we are raised.  We live and breathe within a well-defined box.  If you dare to reach beyond the edge of the box, you may be labeled as a bitch.  And, you don't want to be a bitch because there are consequences.  So, yeah, I totally understand.  I just do not agree.

It is really not the woman student's responsibility to sacrifice herself to suit her partners.  To start, her guess about her partners may be wrong.  But then, even if she guesses right, is it good for her to give up herself in order to please the other person?  Why is the other person's desire more important than hers?  What makes her think that she is less deserving?

Extending this to her daily life, I urged this student to set her priorities straight and do what is right for herself.  If she wants an answer, she should ask for it.  Take people's words at face value and move on.  Of course, people's tone of voice and demeanor may indicate something additional, but she does not have to react to these "additional information" by twisting herself into a knot.  Life is too short to play human pretzel.

On another evening, a woman showed up to try class.  Not many women students had shown up yet. "But I am just a woman and I have never practiced martial arts.  Is it okay?" she said with much apprehension.  

I let out a sigh and a chuckle.  "The Aikido mat is a sacred space where people treat each other kindly, fairly and equally.  We ask students to respect each other by the way they train, their attitude and their abilities.  Just do your best at every practice.  You will be fine.  Everybody has to start from somewhere, you know."  

I looked her in the eyes and jokingly asked, "And, by the way, I am just a woman instructor.  Is it okay?"  She instantly brightened up, "Yes, it's VERY okay.  You got me all excited already!"