"Be Best"??

As my teacher, the late Cottier Sensei said, teaching Aikido is a serious responsibility.  "I am always concerned about teaching it to the wrong people," he once told me.  

I cannot agree more.  

Many years ago, when I was a 4th kyu, a senior sempai beat up on me during practice.  That was not the first time he bullied someone on the mat.  He was known to have broken a total beginner's nose by showing the poor guy how to do Funakogi Undo (Boat-rowing Exercise) at his first Aikido class.  If he could do that in front of everybody at the dojo, what do you think he might do outside?  Cottier Sensei was furious upon hearing about the incident.  Yet, once you have taught someone the skills, you cannot take it back.  It is out of your hands.

********

I gave Aikido lessons very briefly at a middle school.  Before the first class, I sat the kids down for a chat. A couple of boys giggled and scooted away from me when I got near.  

"What's that about?" I asked.

They whispered to each other and giggled some more. 

Finally, one of them said, "He is afraid of you," pointing at his friend.

"Afraid of me?  What have I done?  Why should you be afraid?" I asked with a smile.

The sheepish boy opened up, "Of course I am afraid.  You may kick my ass!"  

Everybody in the room laughed, except for me.  

"You fear that I'd kick your ass?!  What is so special about your ass that I should kick it?" I stared into his eyes.

People laughed even harder.

"Nothing.  I just don't want you to kick my ass!" He hid his face behind his buddy.

His friend shrug him off and said, "I think it is really cool that she can kick your ass.  I want to be able to kick asses, too!"  

"Hmm.  That's interesting,"  I put my face right in front of the kick-ass boy and squinted my eyes.  "If I kick his ass, what will you say about me?  Cool?"  I said in a menacing voice.

"Yeah!" Both boys nodded their heads enthusiastically.

"Really?  You think?" I shook my head.  "If I ever do that, I think I suck.  I suck BIG TIME."

The kids were shocked.  "Really?  Why?"

I could not help letting out a sigh.  "Listen: I have been practicing for almost 30 years.  I am so much older than you and I am so much bigger than you.  You are children who have never practiced anything.  I really have to have very little self respect to take such advantage of you.  There is no honor in doing something like this.  If I do, I should be very ashamed of myself!"

The sheepish boy looked very relieved.  "Seriously?  So, you are not going to beat us up?"

I looked at him in the eyes intensely, "Seriously?"

"Whew!"  He smiled.  His buddy shoved him on the shoulder and he shoved back.  The kids were happy again, and we had our first Aikido class together.  It went well.

********

I told our 13-year-old dojo member this story, and asked him for his thoughts about the kids' comments.

He shook his head and said, "No, that is not normal.  Not all 13-year-olds think that way.  At least I and my friends wouldn't.  That is kinda shallow, isn't it?"

That was really comforting for me to hear.

"And you are not that kind of person.  You are not going to beat me up kind of beat me up, like, making me cry . . . "  He looked at me with puppy eyes like he was seeking confirmation.

"No, I won't.  You are right: I am not into such things.  Thank you for your faith in me."  I almost had the urge to hug our dojo baby boy. 

********

In the middle of a recent practice, the phone rang.  A grandmother called to inquire about class for her 13- year-old grandson who has been bullied in school.  

"Is it Karate? Judo?  Do you teach self defense?  I need help."  I could tell from her tone of voice that the situation must be pretty dire and she was very concerned.

I decided to step out of the dojo so as to hear her out.  In short: The kid was suffering terribly, she was extremely worried, but the school was not taking things seriously to offer any real help.  Such familiar story.  I grew up fighting bullies in school.  It was a painful experience.  I can definitely relate.

I reminded Grandma, however, teaching her grandson how to fight physically is not necessarily the solution. "Of course we do not want him to be beat because he will get hurt or even die.  Yet, if he is too successful, he may kill someone and end up going to jail.  Is that what you want?"

I know Grandma was very frustrated, but I cannot give her false hopes by offering a simple non-answer for a complicated problem.

I suggested her to bring her grandson to come watch or even try a class so we could talk more and see how we could help.  They never show up.

********

Bullying is a serious issue in our society.  Most of the times, people talk about how kids are bullied in schools by other kids.  In that middle school where I gave Aikido classes, however, I witnessed teachers bully students by physically cornering the kids with their adult bodies in the hallway.  No wonder the students thought I could have beaten them and it would have been okay.

Kids bully because adults bully.  Yet, most people are not willing to talk about it or to do anything to bring about real changes.  

It is nice to wave a big banner and shout some catchy slogans.  But, if being our best only means standing by big bullies, our future is doomed.

Read [Even When You Win, You Cry]