Conversations Without Words

I recently watched an interesting little documentary on NHK World about a family of two deaf parents and a hearing three-year-old boy.  Here is the synopsis on the NHK website:

"Sorachi is an energetic three-year-old boy who lives in Hokkaido Prefecture with his father and mother. Sorachi's conversations at home are a little different from those of other families. He communicates through spoken words as well as sign language because both his parents are deaf. However, Sorachi still doesn't understand what it means to be unable to hear. This is the heartwarming story of a loving father and mother who do their best to communicate with their son and build strong bonds together."

Dad was deaf at birth.  Given he has no experience or memory of being a hearing person, for the most part, he communicates by signing and manages to have a really close relationship with his son.  

On the other hand, Mom was born hard-of-hearing (unbeknownst to people around her), but ultimately became deaf at 11.  She has memories of being able to hear, so she still tries to communicate with her child with spoken words.  

It is very clear that the parents love this boy tremendously and the boy loves both of them.  Yet, when it comes time to play, he would pick his mother as playmate, and when he wants to talk, he prefers his father.  This really bothers Mom.  She is so envious of the intimacy that Dad shares with their son.  "Why doesn't he pick me?"

At a family gathering, Dad asks Sorachi why he does not talk to Mom.  Sorachi blurts out at his mother, "I hate you.  I don't want to talk."  It maybe just an innocent, playful tease by a child, but these words were like daggers for the young mothers heart.  

Mom wonders what is not good enough about her as a parent.  She has been trying so hard to give the son everything -- everything she has, and even things that she does not have.  The perceived rejection by her son breaks her heart.  

Mom tries to engage with her child like a hearing person in order to be part of his childhood in the hearing world.  Unfortunately, that creates a false impression for Sorachi that Mom could hear while she actualy cannot.  When Mom's ability to understand him falls short of his expectations, he gets really frustrated and upset with her.  I have a lot of sympathy for Mom for her struggles and pain.

As I was watching this little story unfold, I cannot help thinking:  Haven't we all, at some point, tried to be what we are not in order to please someone?  We yearn for their love.  Whatever it takes, we are willing to do it.  We pour ourselves into it, we twist ourselves into a knot until we are exhausted.  Our audience is not impressed by our human pretzel act, nonetheless.  What is left is nothing but resentment from both sides. 

By the end of the documentary, Mom is still looking for ways to get closer to her son's heart.  I wish so much I could tell her that she does not need to look further.  Just watch Dad and do what he does: Be yourself.

[NHK World: Conversations Without Words] -- streaming of the video is only available until January 23, 2024