Do You Really Want To Make Me Cry?

In 2003, the late Kenneth Cottier Sensei taught a wonderful seminar in Washington D.C.  Sensei started the class with a story of a beginner (5 weeks in) and a slightly more experienced student (5 months in) practicing together: 

The more experienced student throws first; the newer student takes uke.  The practice goes reasonably well.  When it becomes the newer student's turn to throw, since he is so new to Aikido, the newbie makes the common mistake of not turning enough, and attempting to pull his partner's arm over his shoulder.  Sure enough, his partner cannot jump over his shoulder to take a fall for him.  The newbie starts thinking, "Why is my partner resisting me?  I fell for him a moment ago!  Why is he trying to be awkward now?"  Meanwhile, the more experienced student is wondering, "Why is this fellow trying to dislocate my shoulder?"  

With this little story, Sensei pointed out the importance of starting things on the right footing, and how easy it is for people to misunderstand each other.  It may seem trivial or common sense, but this kind of situations happen a lot in Aikido, and can sometimes lead to bad dynamics among people.  

So many years later, the wisdom that Sensei shared with us is still very relevant.

Recently, my right wrist and elbow were injured from taking ukemi for a shihonage during dojo practice.  To keep a long story short: My nage tried to throw me, but the way he held my wrist made it extremely difficult to fall down.  I stayed with him, thinking we could give him another try.  To my surprise, he tautened the twist on my wrist.  My whole right arm was wrapped in a very tight spiral, when he pulled my hand down.  I yelped for him to stop.  After pausing for a split second, he went on to pull me down.  

The speed and strength of his pull shocked my whole arm like a lightning bolt.  From my shoulder to the finger tips, my arm went tingly and numb as if it were trying to scream.  My wrist swelled up instantly. My fingers could not move.  It has been three months since the incident.  One side of my wrist is still swollen and it hurts to grip.  It is the worst wrist injury I have ever had.

My partner apologized afterwards.  His explanation was that he was frustrated because he had not been able to throw me numerous times before.  He said I thwarted him.  "If you want to do this, I can play this game, too." he thought.  

The incident happened in class in front of a group of students, so even those who were not present got wind of it, eventually.  Some students were quite upset.  One student got really angry.  I had to have a talk with him.

"It is not acceptable.  Someone hurt you.  It should never have happened!" said the student.  

I chuckled, "But it did."  

Student seemed puzzled and annoyed by my response.  "Why are you smiling like this?  Why aren't you angry?  You should be angry!"

"What does being angry do?  It does not change anything.  Plus, I am partly responsible, too," I said.

Student looked at me with his eyes wide open and he shook his head.  

"Yes, trust me.  I am responsible.  It always takes two." I could not help letting out a sigh.  I figured it might not be easy to convince my fierce defender with the way I think. 

"When my partner's initial attempt to do the technique did not work, I thought I would stay connected to him to give him another chance to finish the technique.  Unfortunately, my intention was not conveyed to him properly.  He mistakenly thought that I was just trying to be difficult, so he resorted to muscling me down.  Having said that, I sincerely believe that he did not set out with the intention to hurt me.  He is not a bad person.  He just momentarily lost self control.  On my part, I could have reacted differently: like, just take a fall and roll away from him, but I didn't.  Given how experienced my partner is, I thought that would be disrespectful.  I had enough faith in him that I let him try again.  It was my own misjudgment.  I learnt my lesson.  People make mistakes.  I just need to take better care of myself in the future."

Student was clearly not satisfied by my answer.  

'Remember Endo Sensei once said, "Your uke gives his body to help you train, but all you have for him is brute force?  What kind of person are you?"  What he did was wrong!'

At this point, I could not help cracking up, "Yes, I agree with you: using brute force was wrong.  Yes, my partner was responsible, okay?  So, what do you want me to do now?  Hurt him back?  Kick him out of the dojo?  Just because someone made a mistake, I blow a gasket and kick him out.  What kind of person does that make me???"