Just The Way You Are

A young friend invited me for a video chat.  It was her day off.  She was just chilling at home alone.  

The video came on.  She was lounging on the couch, munching on some snacks.  She is a lovely, bright young woman.  It is always fun talking to her.   

It did not take long, however, for me to notice that she was chewing food with her mouth open while talking.  She is dear and close to me.  She is just starting a career.  Who knows where life will take her, what kind of events she will be at and who she will be dealing with one day?  To make sure she is aware of this behavior, which can be perceived as being rude and crude, afterwards, I pointed it out and advised her to change this habit so that she would not accidentally do it in front of others.  

"But this is just a casual conversation . . ." she texted.

"When you are in a formal occasion, there are so many things you need to mind.  When you do not have enough brain power to manage everything, this behavior will leach out.  Alternatively,  when you feel a bit too relaxed, and your awareness diminishes, this behavior will come out, too.  People who are judging you will watch for little things like this.  If there is anything you don't want to show the world, you have to make it a habit to not do it.  No sudden effort can override an old habit."

To make my point, I told her a real life incident:  Someone I know likes to sit cross-legged.  As soon as he sits down -- on a chair or on the floor, without thinking, his hands reach for his feet.  During a gathering, as usual, he sat down and started playing with his toes.  The host brought out crackers and cheese as well as a bowl of nuts for everybody.  I got up to get for myself a few nuts.  Before I could reach the bowl, however, this person already sank his hand into the bowl to scoop out a handful of nuts.  The host's husband was about to get out of his chair for some nuts, too, but he also saw what I saw.  We froze in space and exchanged a look.  Quietly, we slipped back into our seats and never touched the big bowl of delicious nuts.

"Wooow!  That is crazy.  Very yucky 🤢,"  she responded.

"I am sorry if I offended you.  But since this can be important to you and you are important to me, I feel the obligation of broaching the subject.  Just imagine:  How would it make you feel if you were the person doing something like that out of habit?  You may never even realize you did it and nobody may say a thing to you about it.  Do you want to be in that position yourself?"  

Happily, she got my point and took it well.  "No, it doesn't upset me.  It actually makes me happy because it means that you care.  This makes me feel so loved."

"I should print this and frame it." she texted.  

Hmm.  🙄  That maybe a little over the top . . . 

By the same token, many people do special practices before Aikido promotion tests.  I have done that a couple three times in my life and then I gave up on the idea.  I find that I always end up doing what I always do.  None of the things from special practice ever comes out.  Not only does the special practice not help me, because it is sort of a scripted rehearsal, during the test, I can get quite distracted every time I realize that I deviate from the original plan.  My awareness goes inwards in search of the bits and pieces of strayed memory from the special practice, rather than extending out to the real world to deal with what is in front of me.  It causes stress and hurts my performance.  

My conclusion:  If I want to look good, I should pay more attention and be more focused at regular practice to build the best habits.  If my years of practice is not good enough, a few hours of extra practice cannot cover it up.

A student has bad posture.  When he first joined our dojo, I advised him to work on improving his posture on and even off the mat.  He noted my comment, but replied truthfully,  "That's too much work.  I only come here to do Aikido when I do Aikido.  I am not ready to change myself just for it".  

Over the years, technically, this student has made a lot of progress.  However, because of how he carries himself and that the spiritual aspect behind this habit is still at play, there are limits on what he can achieve -- both on and off the mat.

Takeguchi Sensei used to say: Whatever you normally do is what comes out.  Once again, my teacher is right.