Big And Small

I was talking with a woman friend about relationships.  She vented at me about issues between her and her husband.  

"Like you, I am quite a bit younger than my husband.  When I met him, he seemed so much more of an adult than me.  I felt like a kid in comparison.  He knew much more than I did.  He was my rock when I didn't know what to do.  I looked up to him.  However, as I get older, I have lost that feeling about him."

"You 'looked' up to him.  It is past tense . . . " I noted.

"I lived!" She threw her hands up in the air. "I had kids.  I take care of the house.  I take care of our parents and all these miscellaneous things that came our way all while I was working full time.  I have gone through a lot!  I raced to catch up with him so that we can be compatible as a couple.  Looking back, not only have I caught up, but I think I might have surpassed him." 

She broke out a wry smile. 

"Do you know how hard I try?  As a woman, you may know.  But my husband?  Ha!  What I get from him is nothing but resentment.  Now that he is beginning to age, I have to take care of him as well.  Yet, he still doesn't understand or appreciate me.  The way he treats me makes me feel like he wishes that I were that same innocent kid that was madly in love with him and worshipped him decades ago . . . "  

As her voice faded, she gazed into the distance with her eyes filled with loss and disappointment.

It just happened that, the other day, I watched a French movie about a narcissistic writer and his wife, who is his critic, his muse and possibly the real author of his best-selling novels behind the scene.  She is so much more talented than her husband that he feels small in front of her.

At some point in the movie, the wife busted the husband for cheating on her.  "What do you see in that chick?"  The husband honestly replied, "She admires me.  She considers me."

His need and desire to be worshipped turned out to be a powerful motivator for him to continue to go after young women even at a very ripe old age.  

I told my friend about the movie.  "Argh!" She let out a sigh.  "Could that be it?"  She turned to look at me for an answer, "Is this why?  I am the castrating bitch who fails to worship my husband to make him feel good?  Is it my fault, then?"  Her eyes were very red.

"What can I say?" I shook my head.  "As you pointed out, our cases were very similar.  We both married someone much older than ourselves and we both dashed forward with all our might to match them.  Yeah, when I was young and inexperienced, I worshipped my husband, too.  I don't do that anymore not because he has become small; it is because I have become bigger.  I have grown.  It is just being normal.  It is a natural and healthy thing.  Can anybody blame me for having grown?   Can anybody blame you for having grown?"

Without a word, my dear friend continued to stare into the distant space.  Her existence became the living embodiment of despair.

Sigh.  Relationships.