Software Update

I saw a friend, T, at a gardening event.  I was there to give a gardening presentation; she was there to promote her non-profit that works on food security for the needy.  

She was standing alone at a corner, apparently just zonking out.  

"How are you, friend?" I went over to say hi.  

T lifted her head unexpectedly slowly.  Unlike her usual energtic self, she looked tired and worn out.  She shook her head, still tried to force out a smile, as she mumbled, "My mama is dying.  I am dealing with a lot of things.  After this event, I have to hurry back to her."

I did not expect that for an answer.  I did not know what to say.  But, what does my friend need me to say anyways?  

I stepped forward to hug her deeply.  We buried our faces in each other's necks.  All I could hear was our breathing.  Somehow, the sounds of our inhalations and exhalations were more than adequate to express our feelings.

It was show time.  I did my gardening presentation and the Q&A; she talked to the group enthusiastically about her non-profit and appealed to people to join her effort.  We both wore our professional faces for the audience as if it were situation normal.

My talk went well.  T's session was well received.  The event ended with a seed giveaway.  The audience was thrilled by the tremendous collection of free seeds for them to pick through and take home.  Some people came to me for more Q&A.  T continued to talk to everyone who might be interested in supporting her organization.  It was quite a success.

By the time I got to my car, T was loading up the last box of seeds and supplies.  Her professional smile was spent.  In front of me was once again a sad and weary daughter.  

"I am lugging all these things with me to my mama's.  I don't even have time to go home.  Most of my sibs are already here except my youngest sister.  She is on her way."  T turned to look at me.  "I used to be a nurse.  I have seen it many times.  I think my mother is waiting for my sister.  When she finally is here, I think Mama will be ready to go . . . "  T's eyes started welling up with tears, but her face told me that she was determined to not let the tears roll down.

"There are so many things to do.  Maybe because I am the oldest, I feel the obligation of taking care of everything."  T showed me the signature brave smile of a tough big sister.

"So you are the oldest one!"  I did not know that about my friend.  "Unlike you, I am the youngest one  -- number 5 of 5."

T seemed surprised, too.  "Really?  Ah, So lucky!  Younger sibs do not have to carry the same responsibilities that the oldest do."

That line.  I heard that line before.  It troubled me.  It stirred up something inside of me.  

"No, T, it is not like that."  I grasped her arm.  "So many times, friends who are the oldest share thoughts similar to yours about their youngest sibs.  The truth may be quite different from what you think.  Are you willing to let me tell you how I feel, being the youngest one in my family?"

T gave me a curious blank look, but she did not say no.  

So, I went on.

"When kids are really little, even a two-year difference is a lot.  I am ten years younger than my oldest brother and seven years younger than my big sister.  Of course, at that stage, the older kids had to pull the load because we were too young to be able to do anything.  We needed your help.  But we are grown-ups now.  We got our education, professional and life experiences.  We are not helpless toddlers anymore.  We can do things.  

I guess older sibs are so used to taking charge of everything that their default mode is to take everything upon themselves.  They do not think of letting us share the tasks.  Even though we are capable and eager to help, looking at our big brother and big sister who got 'Back off!' written all over their faces, we really don't dare sticking our hands out to touch anything.  So, we step back and revert to our youngest sibling default mode of standing quietly by the sideline to watch you.  I bet our response makes you think, 'All you know to do is to watch me work and do nothing, you useless little brats!'  Actually, we are aching while watching you.  We just do not want to do anything that may make you feel disrespected or challenged.  It is very frustrating being us, too.

Sometimes people can be so stuck in our old patterns that we become really upset with each other.  But it does not have to be that way.  How old do we have to be before you are willing to treat us like adults?  Are you willing to look at us as equals and include us in the process?  Despite our age difference, you are willing to treat me as an equal.  Why can't you do that with your younger siblings, too?  This is the last time for you all to do something for Mama.  Would you give them a chance, please?"

With a contemplative look on her face, T said in a very calm voice, "Maybe you are right.  I never thought about it that way.  Maybe I should give it a try.  I am not sure how, but I will try."  

We gave each other a deep hug.  I let her get on her way.  Every remaining second she get to spend with her mama counts.

I waved goodbye to T as I watched her pull out from the parking spot next to mine.  Birth order, responsibilities and expectations.  These complicated, intertwined issues started to swirl in my mind.

,Just like how parents look at their children, older siblings have the tendency to see their younger siblings as forever kids.  It is as if they will never grow up.  The younger siblings, on the other hand, keep presenting to their parents and older siblings with their achievementsas evidence that they have become capable grown-ups.  Unfortunately, such efforts tend to be futile.  The assertion of their adult identity is often misconstrued as rebellion.  The approval and recognition they seek almost never happens.

Imagine that relationships were software programs: if, by the time, younger siblings have grown up to be a v 8.5, yet, their parents and older siblings are still stuck in v 1.1 due to lack of updating, can they still be compatible?  How can these people relate to each other?  How do you expect them to maintain a functional relationship?

If you have not done any updating for a while, maybe it is time.