Butterflies

Y came here a year ago to accompany her husband to study in DC.  Like a flash, it is time for the to return home to Singapore.

Y really had an enjoyable time.  Not only did she get a one-year break from work, but she also got to take classes that she always was interested in: color pencil drawing, yoga, . . .  and even Aikido!

To Y, the most striking thing about life in the US is the freedom to do whatever you want.  

"There is very little pressure from people around you to criticize and pressure you to be different.  Even if they don't like what you do, they may look at you funny, but they walk away and leave you be."

At their farewell party, Mike asked them, "What do you think will be the hardest adjustment when you go home?"  

They pondered and pondered.  The "Hmmmm . . ." kept going for a long time.  

Despite being well travelled, this was the first time these young professionals live abroad for an extended period of time.  They had not gone home for an entire year.  

"Expectations." I suggested.

"Oh?  Please elaborate." Hubby was intrigued.

"As Y pointed out, when you are here, as long as it is ok with you two, you can do whatever you want without having to consult your family.  In Asia, particularly among Chinese families, everything is everybody's business."  

Y and Hubby both nodded their heads in agreement.

"After you go back, it will be natural for you to go about your life with your 'new normal': You decide what you want and you do it.  When your family hear about your decisions, however, they will say to you, 'You already have decided?  This is the first tme we hear about it.  So, you are just informing us now?'  I can assure you that it is going to happen." I told them from experience.

The young couple laughed, but with a little nervousness and anxiey. 

"Don't worry," I assured them, "This is all normal and healthy.  It is bound to happen.  It is wonderful that you got to come live here by yourselves for a whole year.  You did some growing and you will not return home being the same persons.  Butterflies do not crawl back into chrysalises to turn back into little worms.  That is not how nature works."

"Butterflies don't turn back into worms.  I like that!" exclaimed another student.

"So, what can we do?" says Hubby.  

"I once worked for a Taiwanese boss who came to the US when he was very young.  He also had traditional Chinese upbringing, but grew up in the local culture.  He said something I really like -- 'Just let them get used to it'!" I said.

The kids all bursted out laughing.

"It's true.  Just let them get used to it.  At the beginning, there will be a lot of push back.  You lived in a different environment for a year.  You changed.  However, your family, your parents have been staying in the exact same place, same culture the entire time.  To them, nothing has changed.  For you to return as such different people, it is cultural shock to them.  Be compassionate, don't hurt their feelings, but there is no need of change back.  Help them learn about and adjust to the new you.  Everything will be fine.  In the worst case, they may say, 'Look what they have become!  They are always like this.  Sigh . . .'  As long as you do not change back, they will eventually get used to it.  

Growing up in Asian families, children develop a super power: They are very good at sensing people's emotions and picking up non verbal social cues.  That is our basic survival skill!  For your own happiness, however, try to only respond to clear, direct verbal messages.  Do not attempt to read between lines because there is nothing between the lines.  

Use your Aikido:  If you do not want resistance, for starters, do not create it yourself.  Only deal with what is there.  Don't create trouble for yourself.  If they say nothing, take their words for it, meaning, there is nothing.  This can be your secret of happiness."

Y and Hubby laughed happily.

It is hard to see Y go after a lovely year of having her as part of the dojo.  When she first came, this petite, soft-spoken young lady was shaky, timid and hesitant.  By the time she goes, she has become a strong, confident 5th kyu who is capable of handling a heavy grappling mat all by herself.

Another butterfly has taken off . . . 

Beautiful Color Pencil Drawing by Y Lai