Remembering Kenneth Cottier Sensei, my beloved teacher.

On this very day, June 8, in 2008, my beloved teacher passed away due to lung cancer. I knew he was sick, but I did not know he was that sick. The news dropped onto me like a bomb. Given my own father just died in October the year before, it felt like I just lost a father all over again.

I still vividly remember that I was going through a very difficult time weeks before that because of a traffic accident. The other driver's attorney had been harassing me by calling my house and sending me letters. I felt like I was slowly slipping into depression. I had enough awareness that I was heading towards a bad direction, but I did not have enough strength or skills to get myself out of it.

June 7, 2008 was a Saturday. I went to morning aikido class as usual. After class, Takeguchi Sensei asked if I could do some bodywork on him. Years of beating and old injuries have turned into chronic aches and pains. Whenever I can, I would work on Sensei to provide some relief. This is the least I can do for him as a student.

This day, however, I was not sure if I had much to give. My head was down and my ki was low.  Not wanting to disappoint Sensei, I gave it my best try anyways. Yet, it just did not feel right. Takeguchi Sensei could feel something was off with me, too. My inability of summoning my energy just made my heart sink even more.

But then, all of a sudden, something happened. Supposedly, Sensei and I were the only people at the dojo, but I felt like we were not alone. It felt familiar. It felt warm and loving. I was not quite sure what it was. All of a sudden, all this weight on my shoulders, the sad, hopeless feeling in my heart were all lifted. It was like the flip of a switch. I almost could not remember how miserable I was a moment ago.

"Can you feel it, Sensei?" I asked. "Feel what?" Takeguchi Sensei asked while still facing down on a massage table. "There is someone. I am not sure what it is, but we are not alone here. You feel that?" Sensei rolled over, sat up, looked around, and slowly broke into a big smile. Nothing more was said. We went back to working on him. Things got much better. We went home not thinking more about it.

The next day, we found out about Cottier Sensei's death online. Sensei fell into a coma at hospice for hours before his passing. He was already unconscious when Takeguchi Sensei and I felt like we had a visitor. Could it have been him? Could my Sensei have come to see me, and took care of me one last time before he left this world? I'd love to think this way, but I have no way of knowing.

When Sensei came to visit us in 2003, he taught a seminar at Capital Aikikai. After getting to know Takeguchi Sensei, Cottier Sensei held my hand one day and said, "I used to be worried about you. Now I have seen where you live, and know that you have a good shihan to teach you, I don't have to worry anymore." He smiled at me like a loving father.

Kenneth Cottier Shihan, my beloved teacher, I will never forget you.

Photo Credit: Tim Gion, movestill.com