< Woman >
A former student sent me a text message. She is visiting her sister who just had a miscarriage. Needless to say, it is very sad for all. Student dropped everything to be by her sister's side.
"To be honest, I really don't know what to do because there is nothing I can do," she says.
I have been at that same position before. I also felt pretty helpless not knowing what to do for my loved one who lost her fetus. I am not a doctor, but even her doctors could not put the fetus back and make it grow into a baby.
There is nothing much to be said. No smart comment or wise advice can ease the pain. All the joyful anticipations and loving hopes that came with the image of the little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen have all vanished. You, the bystander, are just a warm body being there physically, hoping that your presence may serve as a reminder of love and support.
"My sister has a daughter already. She is turning three in a month. She is really hoping to have another child." Unfortunately, having one child does not mean you can have another one. Having had two does not guarantee a third. It is the way it is.
"She feels it is so unfair that she cannot have another one." Is there such a thing as being "fair" in being able to have children? I don't know. I really don't know because I have never been pregnant. I have never made it that far. So, I really don't know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. Who am I to say anything or to offer any advice?
I remember being asked by someone who miscarried multiple times: "Meipo, do you think you are less of a woman because you have never had a baby?" I was quite outraged by the question. "What are you talking about? The moment you are born, you are already a woman. You don't have to have a baby to be a woman! You gotta get your thinking straight!" It may sound like a strange, crazy thought, but the feelings are real for a woman who is desperate to become a mother. I wonder if she ever asked if her husband felt like less of a man because the fetus did not take.
"I think I have learnt and grown a lot from Aikido. I learn to let go more -- which is not easy. I wish I could tell my sister that, but I think she will be very angry with me. She holds on to things very strongly." As Student says, sometimes you just need to learn to not fight because there is nothing there to fight about. It is just the way life is.
Sometimes, no matter how much you love somebody, all you get to do is to watch them suffer because there is very little you can do. At the end, only time can heal. All you can do is to make peace with it.
"To be honest, I really don't know what to do because there is nothing I can do," she says.
I have been at that same position before. I also felt pretty helpless not knowing what to do for my loved one who lost her fetus. I am not a doctor, but even her doctors could not put the fetus back and make it grow into a baby.
There is nothing much to be said. No smart comment or wise advice can ease the pain. All the joyful anticipations and loving hopes that came with the image of the little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen have all vanished. You, the bystander, are just a warm body being there physically, hoping that your presence may serve as a reminder of love and support.
"My sister has a daughter already. She is turning three in a month. She is really hoping to have another child." Unfortunately, having one child does not mean you can have another one. Having had two does not guarantee a third. It is the way it is.
"She feels it is so unfair that she cannot have another one." Is there such a thing as being "fair" in being able to have children? I don't know. I really don't know because I have never been pregnant. I have never made it that far. So, I really don't know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. Who am I to say anything or to offer any advice?
I remember being asked by someone who miscarried multiple times: "Meipo, do you think you are less of a woman because you have never had a baby?" I was quite outraged by the question. "What are you talking about? The moment you are born, you are already a woman. You don't have to have a baby to be a woman! You gotta get your thinking straight!" It may sound like a strange, crazy thought, but the feelings are real for a woman who is desperate to become a mother. I wonder if she ever asked if her husband felt like less of a man because the fetus did not take.
"I think I have learnt and grown a lot from Aikido. I learn to let go more -- which is not easy. I wish I could tell my sister that, but I think she will be very angry with me. She holds on to things very strongly." As Student says, sometimes you just need to learn to not fight because there is nothing there to fight about. It is just the way life is.
Sometimes, no matter how much you love somebody, all you get to do is to watch them suffer because there is very little you can do. At the end, only time can heal. All you can do is to make peace with it.
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