Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Aikido is, generally, a fun activity.  However, what do you do when you happen to pair up with a difficult partner?  What if you find your partner too rough or brutal for your taste?

I had an interesting discussion with my friend, Jess, about Aikido practice.  We both have been practicing for long enough to have had our fair share of unpleasant experiences of that nature.  

My teachers always taught us to try to be able to practice with everybody.  We tell our students the same thing.  The reality is:  It is much easier said than done.

Jess is a man, but not a giant, overpowering kind of man.  Just like me, he has faced people who try to rearrange his body parts for him on the Aikido mat, as if we were Mr Potato Head.  "I usually say something first, like 'Take it easy, you're really cranking on my bad arm' or something, depending on the situation.  But at a point where they continue to be brutal, and won't listen to the feedback from their uke, I walk away rather than being confrontational."

Most partners, I believe, are good people who do not intend to do harm.  While I may subjectively feel that he is being rough because my arm is killing me, my partner may have zero awareness of what I am going through.  People do what they know, what they normally do.  In several occasions, I come to find out that my "brutal assailant" actually perceives himself to be a great Aikido partner.  I guess nobody is perfect and we all have our blindspots.  

I have tried verbal appeals many times before.  Regretfully, this tactic never worked for me.  Honestly, how do you even phrase it without being offensive?  "Please don't be so forceful"?  So, you are accusing your partner of being forceful.  "Please be more gentle"?  Ha!  Now you are saying your partner is not gentle enough!   It just never sounds right.  Even with the greatest Aikido partners, the moment people sense that they are being criticized, they reflexively become defensive: "I'm not being rough.  I did not do anything.  You are the problem!"  

Read [Yes, We're All Going Down Together]

Ukes whose arms just got twisted tend not to take such rebuttals well.  "Me?  I am the victim!  Are we blaming the victim now?  Know what?  Yeah, I do have a problem!"  Quickly, it turns into an argument.  Feelings are hurt.  What is supposed to be a cooperative, educational encounter devolves into a hostile standoff in an instant.

"Many people have convinced themselves they can do no wrong . . .  even when they do."  Jess says.  True.  But can't my partner feel that way about me, too?  As Takeguchi Sensei likes to say, "You are responsible!"  I may not be aware of it, but I can't help thinking that I must have done something to contribute to the situation.

Read [The Willow, The Oak, And The Tumble Weed]

"My first responsibility in Aikido is to protect myself from injury and harm.  So, if someone is being destructive, I will back off."  Jess says.  "I have walked away from dangerous nages at seminars before."

I totally agree that self-preservation should be the highest priority.  I have had to walk away from a situation before.  However, if we believe Aikido practice is a diorama of real life, I cannot possibly walk away every time I come across a difficult person.  What other options do I have?  Are there things I can do differently?

Nowadays, I plead with young, energetic and overly enthusiastic partners to help me by accommodating my slow pace and my lack of upper body strength.  What I notice is that, when ukes do not keep up with their speed, many less experienced nages mistakenly take it as "The technique is not working".  Their instinct is to add juice.  All they need to learn is to apply patience, rather than force.  Even though they laugh in response to my plea, people usually go along with it and we all get to enjoy some pain-free, constructive interactions. 

One important lesson I have learned is:  Don't make it personal, and don't take it personally.  Even if you are not destined to be best friends, there is no reason to turn someone into your enemy.  Of course, I can always choose to walk away.  As much as possible, however, I try to stay and make the best and the most out of the encounter.  Even if it is not going to be fun, can I find ways of surviving without sustaining injuries or harm?  Can I continue practice in such a way that neither my partner nor I walk away feeling upset?  How do we coexist during this limited time peacefully, even if we strongly disagree with each other?  To me, it is still a form of training.  Ultimately, this training maybe more useful in my life than the physical technique that we are doing.

My advice to our students:   It is always the best to raise your hand to get the instructor -- the ultimate authority during a class -- to intervene.  It is what the instructor is for.  There is no need to take it upon yourself.  There is only one teacher in each class.  Nobody else should be teaching on the mat.  It is the instructor's job to clarify things and to make corrections.  Never get into an argument with anybody.  The nice thing about being a student is that your only job is to practice.  Keep the mats free of personal dynamics so you can thoroughly enjoy your partners all the time.  It is a privilege.  Don't let it go.