The Bad Person

"Everybody I talked to told me she was a bad person.  I don't think I want to meet her." 

Our sister-in-law was adopted as a young child.  Unfortunately, the family she grew up in was dysfunctional and chaotic.  She had a place to call home and she had adoptive siblings to grow up with, but it was not a carefree, happy childhood that she had.  

SIL had never met her birth parents.  As an adult, she once tried looking for them, but the bureaucracy made it really cumbersome and difficult.  Instead of just giving the information to her and let her decide for herself how to proceed, the bureaucrats shared their opinion that her mother was a bad person.  Feeling discouraged, SIL rested her case.

This time we saw SIL, there was new news: Not only did she find her birth mother, they actually met in person!

Thanks to genealogy websites, she became in touch with a distant cousin who reconnected her with siblings that she never knew existed.  These sisters, in turn, connected her with her mother.  It did not take long for them to arrange for a meeting in person.  

Needless to say, there are these big questions: Who is her mother?  Why did she give her child up?  Is she really a bad person?

As a young lady, SIL's mother delivered her baby and left the hospital without even looking at it.  The people around her conveniently drew the conclusion that she was a heartless person who did not care about her own blood.  Little did they know that she had been concealing her pregnancy from her family.  She was so afraid that if she took one look at her baby, she might want to take her home -- something she could not do at the time.  So, she signed the paper to let her baby be adopted and left the hospital as soon as she could.  She thought this might be the best for all parties concerned . . .  

The reunion with her family seems to be a very positive things for SIL.  Although she is a grown person and has a good life of her own, finding her roots, knowing that her mother was not a bad person as people said, and that her mother did not abandon her has offered her comfort.  Every time she talks about her new-found family, she gets really excited and a big smile comes to her face.

SIL's story reminded me of my own complicated family stories that stretch across generations.  

Read [Presumed Heartlessness]

I first learnt that my parents tried giving me away when I was in elementary school.  I did not harbor a single bit of resentment, despite my young age, because I knew my mother's childhood story.  It was all about love and survival.  Those who are more fortunate may never understand, but their ignorance does not give them the right to judge.

So, yes, my mother has had abortions.  And, yes, she tried giving me away.  But, no, she is not a bad person.