"Die, Bitch!"

Many years ago, I met a young woman at Aikido.  Since she seemed nice and polite, we all welcomed her warmly.  It did not take long for us to take note of her nervous energy and her self-effacing behaviors.  The moment she sees you, she would immediately put up an unnatural smile that is accompanied by a nervous laugh.  You can almost never get her to directly express any opinion on anything.  Most of all, there was one thing she did that got everybody quite worn out: her constant apologies during practice.  

If she does not understand something, she apologizes.  Even when she gets it, she would hold back from a full execution of the technique, as if she was reluctant to do it.  When asked, she apologizes again.  It really makes practice with her rather awkward and difficult.  Finally, a woman sempai could not stand it anymore.

"Stop apologizing!" she ordered.  "Just do the technique and throw like everybody else.  Whenever you feel like apologizing, substitute it with 'Die, bitch!'  Don't let me hear your 'I'm sorry's anymore!"  

The young woman did comply, but her lame delivery of "Die, bitch!" quickly became the dojo joke.

Because of her apparent timidness, people were eager to pamper and protect her . . . until her other side started revealing itself.  

Underneath the facade, she actually has a very strong personality.  She is opinionated and does not take criticisms well.  Her strong ego fuels a fiery temper.  In order to survive and have friends, however, she learnt to present herself as somebody else, even if it means being disingenuous . . . 

She is far from being alone.  I have met quite a few people who take this approach in life.

A friend once told me, "I feel like there are three persons inside of me.  One of them is peaceful and happy, but he is not always there.  Another one is angry and arrogant.  The other one is the opposite -- he is self-effacing and has low self worth.  I don't like person number two and three, but they are what I have most of the time.  I really wish I could be peaceful and happy all the time, but I don't know how . . . "

I am aware of the fact that my friend has been struggling for a long time.  Who does not want to be peaceful and happy?  Life is just not always easy.  And "all the time" is really far-fetched.   

"I bet you have person number three inside of you because you think it can help neutralize person number two." I said.

"Yeah, exactly!  How do you know that?" He seemed elated that someone understood what he was experiencing.

"But things do not work this way." I hate to deliver bad news, but I had to.  "You probably already know that you only end up bouncing from one extreme to another.  You do not like being either of those two persons.  This only creates more frustrations for you and you end up being even angrier."

My friend let out a sigh and hung his head low.

At Aikido, I get to see a lot of extremism in action.  I was very surprised at first, but I now realize it is actually very common.

If you tell someone not to stand with their knees straight, before you know it, they stand like they are doing squats.  You tell someone to make better use of the vertical dimension in their movement.  The next thing you know, they are bouncing up and down.  One thing I have to keep reminding students is that not letting their partner's hand go up does not mean they have to push their partner's hand down.  To me, this kind of phenomena is a reflection that people draw the wrong opposites.

As in my friend's case, he thought the opposite of being angry and arrogant is self-effacing.  I think the opposite of angry and arrogant is simply not angry and not arrogant.  

Why is he angry?  What is he angry about?  Is there something he can do to resolve the anger inside?  The arrogance is possibly just a manifestation of low self-worth.  If he does not address the underlying cause of his low self esteem, no matter how he tries to act humble, the next time the arrogance surfaces, it would just flare up even harder.  

As the saying goes, "It is simple, but not easy."  I really hope my friend finds the way to his heart soon so he can find peace and happiness.