Presumptuous

After a recent seminar, I was hanging out with a small group of women Aikido practitioners.  They were exchanging horror stories about bad Aikido encounters and expressing frustrations about how they were treated because of their gender.

"Earlier today, I paired up with a man I never met before.  Who knows what rank he is and if he knows who I am.  I am a senior yudansha after all.  Since I am a woman, without asking, he just held his hand out expecting me to attack him first.  How presumptuous and rude!" a woman practitioner vented.  

The others chimed in to show support and sympathy.

I understand her feelings, but I did not say anything.  

I have no idea who exactly she was referring to.  "You don't know this person and don't know what rank he is either.  Unless you compared notes, between the two of you, there may really be no way of knowing who is more senior.  Could you possibly be a little presumptuous, too?"  Playing devil's advocate, I cannot help thinking that to myself. 

As a matter of fact, at the same seminar, during a break, I walked up to a man with whom I practiced.  I greeted him and expressed that I really enjoyed our training together.  He turned to take a glance at me and then turned away without even acknowledging me.  

Did he see me?  I think he did.  Did he hear me?  I suppose he did.  Then why did he blow me off?  I have no idea.  He seemed friendly towards many people at the seminar; just not towards me.  Maybe he did not enjoy our encounter as much as I did?  Who knows.

Later on, I showed a couple of techniques at a co-teach session.  I got to practice with this same person a couple more times and helped him with a technique.  By the time the day ended, he became nice and friendly towards me.  Is this correlation or causation?  I really cannot say.  The important thing is: We had some good practice together and we are on talking terms now.

In the vast world of Aikido, indeed, the majority of practitioners tend to be male.  We all have our share of bad experiences.  I can, of course, conveniently attribute it to the assailant's gender and blame it all on toxic masculinity.  To tell the truth, however, in my thirty two years in Aikido, I have encountered quite a few women who were so aggressive that I felt like they were about to kill me by tearing me into shreds.  How do I explain their behavior, then?

Overblown ego, aggression and lack of compassion is not a male problem.  It is a human issue.

With the students at our dojo, when we pair up with them for practice, Mike and I often offer to be ukes first.  Obviously, we are senior to all of our students.  The reason we attack first is because we want to find out how well they perceive a demo and how much they can reproduce a set of movements without further inputs from us as their training partners.  

Because of that, our students have not developed a strong habit of following the common etiquette by insisting that the junior person take ukemi for the more senior person first.   If they pair up with the senior woman practitioner at the seminar, they may all offend her with their "toxic masculinity", regardless of their gender.

At seminars, I often offer to take uke first.  Since I may not know my partner from before, it is useful to get an idea of where they are in their ability level and their personalities so I can match them better.  Particularly when I am the more experienced one in the pair, I probably can adjust to a stranger's movements and take ukemi better than a more junior student can.  In my mind, uke is not an inferior role to nage, anyways.  Therefore, I really do not get hung up on who gets to throw first, or feel slighted because I have to take a fall for a stranger.  Someone has to go first, anyway.

Takeguchi Sensei once recounted a story from when he was younger and not as much a known entity.  He was invited to be one of the instructors at a seminar.  During a session before his, he was sitting in seiza in a line with others.  Someone next to Sensei engaged him in small talks: " By the way, I have never heard of the instructor for the next class.  Clyde Takeguchi.  Who is that?  Is he any good?"  Sensei smiled, shrugged his shoulder and said, "I am not sure.  We just gotta find out."  When he walked up to shomen to teach his class, he glanced at the audience and smiled at the man who asked about him.  The poor guy was so embarrassed that he could not bury his face deep enough . . .