What We Really Want

Mama Meipo is not a real mom.  Yet, she mingles with her lovely young Aikido students, and she gets to spend time with the wonderful children of her friends.  She is a lucky person.

Many parents like to say to childless people like me, "What do you know?  You don't have kids!", as if parenthood have transformed them into all-knowing beings.

Indeed, parenthood is a huge undertaking.  From pregnancy to raising a tiny, helpless baby who is 100% dependent on you for absolutely everything.  And then raising them into an independent person who will continue to depend on you forever.  The journey trains up a lot of skills and brings amazing experiences.  

By many measures, my friends are rather successful parents.  Their children are generally healthy, well achieved academically, and are doing well professionally.  They really make their parents proud.  What's more, despite their age, they maintain close relationships with their parents.  It is really heartwarming to see.

Everything looks so picture perfect until you sit down to have a heart-to-heart with these young adults . . . 

A friend's child is in medical school, pursuing a very competitive specialization.   She is very smart, has set clear goals for herself and has been navigating through the system extremely well.  "I have given up," the soon-to-be doctor says in a defeated voice.  "I can get into the best school, earn scholarships and awards, get the best placements, but, still, my parents will never have trust in my judgement and abilities."  She let out a sigh.  "They won't even let me do simple things like driving on the highway because they think I am not capable of handling that.  I can never convince them.  It really hurts my feelings . . . "  

Her head is hanging so low that I can barely see her face.  

"The way Mom talks can be really condescending.  She always says there is no help in this house.  When I try to help, everything I do is wrong.  She likes to say that nobody can do things the way she does it.  She is right:  she has her particular ways and she wouldn't teach me.  Plus, she would not accept anything different.  I am just never going to be good enough.

Her favorite line is: 'When I was your age, I was already doing blah blah blah.'  Why is she so competitive towards me?  I wanted so much to say to her: At the same age, I am a med student, juggling work and school while dealing with parents who keep putting me down.  But I am never going to say that because I do not want to hurt her feelings back."

Another set of friends run their family based on old school meritocracy.  It really sets the children up for intense competition among themselves.  The youngest one confided in me about his feelings.  

"Just because I am the youngest one, I am automatically labeled as being 'spoiled'.  I really don't think I ever get a break at home.  When my sister came along, the moment she made a sound, it was already a delight.  Her first step was a miracle.  Things were still novel and wonderful with my brother.  By the time I came along, nothing I do is special anymore.  When I started making sounds, I was just being noisy.  When I started walking, I was too slow and shaky.  I am a drag.  Whatever I do is compared to my older siblings.  I am never good enough for my parents."  The smile on his face looked contorted . . .

"They treat me like I am forever 16.  I am a working adult!  But they have no confidence in me.  They do not trust me.  They always say I am not responsible.  What have I done?  They pushed me through school for a double major, and I got it.  Yet, they have little respect for my skills and knowledge.  Do you know how tiring it is to have to assert myself everyday?  I really hate it when they say to me  'When I was your age,  . . . '!  Of course, by definition, I can never measure up to them."  

His face is so red -- just like his eyes.  

"I really don't want to bump heads with them everyday.  It hurts our relationship."

"I know my parents really love us.  I really love them, too.  My mom would stay up till 2am to prepare an extravagant 5-course dinner.  She gets herself all exhausted and frustrated, and leaves pans and dishes all over the kitchen when she finally collapses in bed.  Then Dad would clean everything in the morning as he sips his coffee.  It is like a dance between them.  The house is such a chaos and Mom is too tired and stressed out to even eat together with us.  Know what?  We really don't need fancy meals.  I'd rather we have something simple so we can just sit down and enjoy each other's company in the evening."

Another young adult was telling me about his home life.  He just recently moved back to live with his parents.

"We were home schooled for a couple of years because my parents thought the school system was not doing a good job teaching us."  His eyes started gazing out the window as if he was searching for these distant memories through the clouds.  

"I bet it was a lot of work for them, but let me tell you: That was the worst time in my life!  After trying for two years, I begged them to let me go to school.  I would do whatever they wanted me to do.  I was the best behaved child so that they would let me out of the house.  I feel sorry that my sister had to suffer for another year before they gave up on home schooling."

"Our parents have great love for animals.  They are so committed to rescuing and caring for old dogs.  You know how much time Mom has been spending on caring for our 18-year-old dog.  She is amazing.  Nobody else would do what she does for that dog.  That's why she cannot go anywhere.  She does not have a life.  She has given up everything for the sake of caring for the dog."  He let out a sigh and turned away.

"I wish so much that, as a family, we could do more things together.  You know, before we are married and possibly move away to have our own families.  But it is not happening because Mom has to take care of the dog and Dad has to work."

As a friend, I have been nudging my friend to spend more time as a family when they still can.  "Your actions are conveying the message that 'The dog is a higher priority than all of you!'" I warned her.  "If I were your kids, I would feel so hurt."  

Every single time, her response is "Oh, they understand."

Her son concurred.  "Yes, we do understand completely, but we do not agree.  The problem is: It does not matter even if we disagree.  She is going to do it anyways!  And Dad is just as guilty as an enabler . . . "   

My parent friends may forever say to me, "Meipo, you don't have children.  You don't understand."  I think I understand my friends' concerns as parents, even though I don not have children of my own.  However, I do not always agree with them and the conclusions they draw.  Too often, for some minor details, they lose sight of the big picture and sacrifice what is the most precious for their families.

When I was young, I was shocked to find out that "old farts" were once aspiring young people.  We were once young like my friends' kids.  It was not so long ago.  The world was such an exciting big place and we were trying to find a foothold to claim our spot in this vast universe.  All the youthful hopes and desires.  Passions and uncertainties.  Have they forgotten everything??? 

Can't we have some empathy for the kids?  They are not asking for extravagant things.  Instead of imposing our thoughts on them, can we help give them what they really want?

I do not share the mentality of my friends because I followed a different path in life.  I am so grateful that I have not totally lost the perspective of a young person.

The next time when I have to defend the kids as my friends rant about them, maybe I should preemptively say to them, "Hey!  What do you know?  You have kids!"  

Read [What Do You Know]