Teachable Moments

The dojo is a place where we empty our minds and open our hearts to learn.  

********

Before class one day, a student started a conversation while he was stretching.

L:  I really don't like people who are so stressed.  I find them really unpleasant.  

Me:  What does their being stressed have to do with you?

L:  The way they behave.  They act funny and they make me stressed, too.  I don't need their stress.  

Me:  Maybe they have their reasons.  People have problems they are dealing with.

L:  Maybe, but that is their problem.  I don't need to be dealing with their problems.  They are just unpleasant to be with.  I don't want them to be excessively stressing about things near me.

During warm ups, L seemed to be struggling to keep up.  No matter how I slowed down, showed and showed again, he could not pick it up.  He is still newish to Aikido.  I can understand it can be hard to perceive unfamiliar movements and to flip what you just saw and imitate instantaneously.  

L's usual confident smile vaporized long ago.  Intense, widely opened eyes turned into a frown.  Then, the frown (d)evolved into a really twisted face filled with anguish.  He had descended into a self-defeating mental loop.

"It's not as complicated as you make it.  Calm down and let's start all over again.  Do not be consumed by your emotions.  Follow me." I said in a flat, plain voice. 

It was clear that L was not listening.  The look in his eyes told me that he was drowned by the noisy internal conversations inside of himself.  Despite my plea, he continued to insist on thinking through something that is not to be thought through.  The harder he tries, the more convoluted everything seems.  Suddenly, even what he normally was capable of doing has become not attainable.

"Remember our conversation just before class started?  You told me you don't like people who are excessively stressed and how you feel about them.  Look at our situation now.  Look at me.  And look at yourself.  Compared to me, would it fair for me to say that you have become the one who is excessively stressed?  It's only a simple warmup wrist stretch.  You get all bent out of shape.  Tell me: How should I feel about you now?"

My words hit L right on like a slap stick on his head.  He looked embarrassed and uncomfortable.  His face looked distorted.  

I continued. "But you know what?  I don't feel that way about you.  It does not bother me.  We all have our situations and moments.  Learning is a process.  It's ok.  Some day you will get it.  Just keep going.

L nodded, but continued to look like 🥴.  He was not letting go.

Left to his own devices, he might forever stay in this state.  I have to intervene to relieve him.

"Throw this one away.  Let's move on to something new."

***********

A different day, but with the same student.

L:  I find it very annoying when people change things so that it does not conform with my expectations.

Me:  Yeah, it can be.  But I don't think the world has the obligation of fulfilling your expectations.

L:  I particularly don't like it if they change things after I think we agreed on how to do something.

Me:  It can be a drag, but sometimes it is inevitable.  Circumstances change.  You can't insist on doing things the same way even after situations changed.  

L:  But that is different from what I expected.  I get upset when things deviate from my expectations.

Me:  Well, to my ears, there are two keywords: 1/  Expectation, 2/  Change.  The expectation is yours.  If you don't want to be that upset or be upset that often, consider adjusting your expectations.  You may be surprised by how that can elevate your level of satisfaction.  As a Buddhist, I learn that the only constant in the world is change.  This is one of the major flawed assumption of mankind that leads to tremendous anguish and pain.

L:  I know, I know . . . 

Me:  Excellent!  So you know already.

L:  Yeah, I do.  I just don't like it when these changes happen and blow my expectations.  I like things a certain way.

Me:  . . . 

********

Even though I am supposed to be the instructor and students are the students, there are days when I am not really sure who is training who.