Do What You Gotta Do

"Doesn't it make you mad?" my friend asked.  

We were having a conversation regarding the activism work in which he has been engaged in a foreign land.  The suffering of the people and the social injustice that they are experiencing is agonizing for my dear friend.  Every time we see him, we hear from him, he shares with us the email, texts, video footage about the struggle.  He cannot stop talking about it.  I wonder how often he takes his mind off the subject, if at all.

I have been witnessing my friend's involvement from the start.  He went from being enthusiastic to learn about the situation to being concerned.  He became involved with a group that tries to offer assistance from afar.  As his eagerness to help grows, he starts contemplating going over there to show support.

"What do you think you can do by being there?" Some of us asked.  "You don't know the language.  You don't know your way around.  The locals will have to take care of you and protect you.  They even have to share their limited resources with you while you are there.  How is that helping them?"  

"I can't sit here and do nothing." he roared.  "I am really angry.  I gotta do something!"

"But the feeling is yours!" someone pointed out.

Our friend became quiet.

My friend and I were talking about the same subject again the other day.  "I am so angry about this," he said.  I could not help noticing a sense of pride accompanying his announcement of anger.

"It sounds like you are almost happy that you are angry.  Why?"  I found my friend's behavior intriguing.

"Oh, I find that my anger is a good motivator to get things done." he explained.

"Don't you get things done when you are not angry?" I asked.

"Yeah, I do.  But if I can channel my anger towards a good cause, don't you think it is a good thing?" he suggested.  

"If that is the case, being angry has little to do with getting things done at all.  Personally, I'd rather not be an angry person.  If getting things done is the goal, being calm helps me think and work better.  I would choose to go without being angry."

My friend did not seem to like my answer.  To him, anger is not a choice.  Rather, it is something intrinsically embedded in the sad reality.

"The situation is wrong and infuriating.  I think my anger is justified."  He looked at me, "And you?  Don't you ever get angry?  Look at the situation: How can one be not angry?"

"Do I like the situation?  No, not at all.  But, does my being angry change anything?  I don't think so.  To answer your question: Do I ever get angry?  Yeah, I do, but I try not to let it happen often.  And even if it does, I try to cool off so I can think more clearly and not do anything I may regret later.  How come it sounds like you are defending your anger?  It is almost as if you want to be angry.  Why?"  

I was not trying to provoke my friend, but it looked like he was going to boil over . . . 

******

My conversation with my friend makes me think of a different conversation I had with a visiting Aikido student a while ago.

Ariel asked me, "How come I have never seen you being afraid?"

Read [Fearless. Fear Less]

Had he known me earlier, Ariel would have seen how scared Meipo once was  My training and experience has since taught me that being afraid does not help me deal with what I fear.  Given I have the choice, I might as well save the energy for being afraid to do something productive so that what I fear might happen does not become reality.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to teach someone to not be afraid.  I can explain to students the logic of the thinking, but it takes many different elements before one can internalize the idea and then put it into action.  Aikido is about letting go, and letting go is not easy.

Similarly, how do I explain to a friend who has been embracing anger all his life?  How do I appeal to him that emotions is a choice and that he may be better off keeping his cool?  Yeah, it is not easy.